As everyone knows, Heath Ledger died this week. I’ll be honest, I was sad. I loved his movies and he was the only blond I would run away with..haha (no offense to any blonds that might read this.) I was just surfing the net and looking at the news when I saw the clip of Dan Abrams talking about people mocking Heath Ledger and picketing his death. I have come to believe that the entire world is going crazy. The actor’s death could not possibly have anything to do with a character he played in a movie. The idea is so ridiculous! God will not strike you dead because you make a movie. He wouldn’t have committed suicide because he played a gay man in a movie. If anything, he should be proud of the fact that he turned a controversial role into a beautiful work of art. I was a huge fan of the movie itself but even I have to admit that he did some pretty freaking good acting. He always did. He wasn’t one of the high profile celebs that made themselves known through rehab, divorce, infidelity, or any of the other “drugs” of choice for most celebrities, including big stars like Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. His career was on a foundation that was much more solid….his acting. So people need to get a life and get over the fact that he played a homosexual cowboy. And for whoever wrote on that yahoo board about Heath Ledger spreading gayness….the correct term is homosexuality…..I’m a Christian too but this whole things is completely stupid. We should be sad to lose such a great actor.

Things are back to being good again. The boyfriend and I worked it out, thankfully. We are both a little sick and that could be why we were so cranky with each other lol. I’m still loving the daycare job. I don’t even care that I have to get up at 7 in the morning. The kids are adorable. The twins do everything together and are ahead of the rest of the kids. They are 2 and they already know how to do their colors in English and Spanish. M is another of the twins only her twin is a boy and she is totally adorable. SHe has given me her own unidentifiable name. K is the smallest of them all and she’s my little favorite. She is just too cute to put down and she knows it…that’s why I’m having to try to resist her when I have to clean. Can’t really mop the floor when you’re carrying a little one around, right? The boys are all so cute and the job itself is like training is developmental psychology. Even though the kids are all only two or younger, they each have a different rate of development, home situation, and personality. I absolutely love taking care of them. It even makes me want one of my own. The only problem is that I am unsure of how to tell my mom that I only have this job. I think this job will be enough to pay for what I need, especially if I budget right. I just know she’s going to be mad and I can’t take her drama right now. I’m doing all I can. She will be spying on me at some time I’m sure. I’m embarrassed to say that I am actually afraid of telling her. Oh well, what to do?

Why is it that just when everything starts to look up, it all falls apart? Why can’t it be like it is in the movies where the main character has a hard time but eventually gets through it and lives happily ever after like Cinderella? My new job at the daycare is sooo great. The kids are so cute and sweet. Yes, they are a handful but they are supposed to be handfuls when they’re two aren’t they? I just found a great degree program and everything seemed to be going right…until today. I got sick yesterday and my boyfriend and I got into a major fight today and I think we may break up. I’m crying really hard right now, with my head pounding, and my nose stopped up so much that I have to breath through my mouth. When do I get the happily ever after?
This is awful

I FOUND IT! I FOUND IT! I have been stressing and near tears lately trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and I have finally found what my calling is. I am going to abandon both of the fields I had previously been considering. I want to be a Rehabilitation Counselor. I think that this suits me better the other two options. I would be working with people with disabilities, mental problems, and addictions. It would be different almost every day and I could actually make a difference. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to work only with kids but this sounds better to me than working only in a school setting and I think I would be good at it. I know that it’s a totally different direction and I am really scared of telling my mother about it ( childish, I know) but I think this is what I am supposed to do. I have helped one guy that I know overcome an addiction and I think I could do it for a living. The guy I helped graduated high school and is attending college now. I think I might have a talent for it and that makes me happy!

Crazy is watching Family Guy when you should be studying. It’s okay, though, because I am eating dinner. That was rationalizing.

Crazy is blaming your daughter for not getting a form when the reason you didn’t get the form is because you didn’t fill out the request completely. That one was my mom’s mistake!

Crazy is what I am going to be after this semester. I have two classes in which everything is due on the same days. They are back to back classes. I have research to do. A thesis to write. And a life to live…meaning work…

Crazy is not knowing what program I want to go into or what school is best for me. I just can’t get everything done alone!!!!

Crazy is, well, me….I am almost freaking out. I’m not quite there but getting close. There is so much fr me to do and I’m not sure of how to get it all done. Everything is coming down on me right now. I’m bad enough at making decisions, how am I supposed to make the decisions that will change my entire life? I want to do so much but I am at the important crossroad and don’t know which way to turn. I’m feeling lost and slightly abandoned, especially by my mom. She only calls me now if she wants something. I still haven’t decided how to cut my hair but I am positive that I want to do it. I want to donate it to Locks of Love.  Okay I am now going to study, eat some chocolate, and hope my low grade temperature goes away and doesn’t get worse. Have a great one everybody!

I got to thinking today. What is with people being so attached, obsessed even with their hair? If you cut it, it grows back, if you get bad highlights or a bad dye job, it will eventually go back to the natural way. It’s not something severe. So you mad a bad hair decision….who cares? It will grow back. The reason I am thinking about this is because I am thinking about cutting mine. Let me explain. I have long, thick hair that everyone seems to think is “really pretty” including my mother (she doesn’t really count that much though because our hair is practically the same lol)  I have never had short hair. Not since kindergarten anyway. I’m feeling adventurous and I want to try something new. I have a wonderful stylist that I can depend on to do any style I need her to and she doesn’t charge me all that much either. (It’s my brother’s girlfriend’s mom…how cool is that!?!) I have enough hair to donate it to locks of love, which is exactly what I want to do. A friend of mine gave me the idea. Anyway, every person I tell has a different reaction. My boyfriend thinks that I should do it if I want to. He looks at it the same way I do. My brother’s girlfriend thinks the same and that it would look good. Two of my other friends immediately said (and I quote) “Oh no! Don’t do it, your hair is so pretty!” Now why is it that my hair can’t be just as pretty short? If I cut it, it will let some child have my pretty hair too and it will be more manageable for the hectic semester that has just begun. Is that the wrong way to think? I mean I know that my mom will FLIP out when she finds out but she will get over it…it’s MY hair after all. Dad will quietly support it no matter what. I just don’t get people’s reactions to something as small as hair. I’m sure it will be hard for me to cut it but I will grow to like the new style. I’m also trying my hardest to get organized and do everything in the most efficient way. Its going to be crazy for the next couple of months. I’m going to need some prayers to be able to maintain my sanity. On a funnier note, I saw my fish, Penny, jump in the air tonight. It even made me forget my stomach problems. She was so funny! Have a good one everyone!!

I have never been really good at expressing my feelings. I didn’t really fit with the people in my high school or my extended family so I quickly learned to keep things hidden. Showing how things affected you made you automatically vulnerable. It’s a hard habit to break. The only time I can feel comfortable with showing how I feel is when I’m being yelled at. I either yell back or ( more likely) start crying. It bothers my boyfriend that I can’t just completely divulge the inner workings of my mind at all times. It would be much easier for me if I could simply write it all out instead of talking but we are too far away to do that. It takes a day for a letter to reach him lol. Anyway…tonight he told me that his ex was asking around about him and stuff. He said he wasn’t going to give her his number or talk to her so I didn’t see a reason for me to react in the jealous way. I was a little worried and, yes, maybe a little jealous. I try to be fair and logical though. I talked to my ex not too long ago because he was brought into this family drama  and I needed to figure out what he knew. I feel nothing for my ex. I’m happy that he is FINALLY getting it together after so many years but I don’t want to be part of his world. He’s the past and I am very much in love with my boyfriend. That was another reason why I didn’t say anything. However, my boyfriend assumed I was upset and we ended up in a fight. My jealousy did come out. I just don’t really know how to do this stuff. Relationships are not my forte. I have been casually dating ever since my senior year of high school. How much emotion is enough and when does it get to being too much? Why does it seem like there is no happy medium? Holding it in is what I am used to, why is that so bad? I hate jealousy anyway. It serves no real purpose except to make up reasons to fight with each other, say hurtful things, and ruin the night. It did all of that tonight. I know we will come through it but I just don’t get how to deal with this stuff. He wanted me to react when I wasn’t reacting but he certainly didn’t like it when I did react.

Okay so I think 2008 is going to be great! I had a wonderful weekend. Mom and I only really fought one time. She spent the night with me in the apartment Saturday and went home on Sunday. My boyfriend joined me for a while too. We toasted in the New Year and spent our six month anniversary together. I did take care of him while he was sick too. I am looking at a big change in my life and it’s both scary and exciting. I am excited and afraid of graduate school. What if I don’t get in or what if I choose the wrong program? Of course, I’m also looking forward to being out on my own. I want my own place and a good job that will help me to pay my own way for a change. I also got a new fish. My great boyfriend bought me a crowntail betta fish that is gorgeous. His name is Hamlet. I might post a picture of him later. That’s all for tonight….I’m really tired. Happy New Year everyone!!!