I have never been really good at expressing my feelings. I didn’t really fit with the people in my high school or my extended family so I quickly learned to keep things hidden. Showing how things affected you made you automatically vulnerable. It’s a hard habit to break. The only time I can feel comfortable with showing how I feel is when I’m being yelled at. I either yell back or ( more likely) start crying. It bothers my boyfriend that I can’t just completely divulge the inner workings of my mind at all times. It would be much easier for me if I could simply write it all out instead of talking but we are too far away to do that. It takes a day for a letter to reach him lol. Anyway…tonight he told me that his ex was asking around about him and stuff. He said he wasn’t going to give her his number or talk to her so I didn’t see a reason for me to react in the jealous way. I was a little worried and, yes, maybe a little jealous. I try to be fair and logical though. I talked to my ex not too long ago because he was brought into this family drama  and I needed to figure out what he knew. I feel nothing for my ex. I’m happy that he is FINALLY getting it together after so many years but I don’t want to be part of his world. He’s the past and I am very much in love with my boyfriend. That was another reason why I didn’t say anything. However, my boyfriend assumed I was upset and we ended up in a fight. My jealousy did come out. I just don’t really know how to do this stuff. Relationships are not my forte. I have been casually dating ever since my senior year of high school. How much emotion is enough and when does it get to being too much? Why does it seem like there is no happy medium? Holding it in is what I am used to, why is that so bad? I hate jealousy anyway. It serves no real purpose except to make up reasons to fight with each other, say hurtful things, and ruin the night. It did all of that tonight. I know we will come through it but I just don’t get how to deal with this stuff. He wanted me to react when I wasn’t reacting but he certainly didn’t like it when I did react.