Have you ever forgotten what it was like to be happy and smile? I have. Things will go good for a while and then go bad for a while. My boyfriend has been great throughout the whole parental trouble deal and I can’t blame him for the times that he gets frustrated. There is no real reason for us to have to work so hard to be able to be happy together and see each other. My mother is insane I believe. She’s yelling at me one minute, crying the next, then talking about running away from us. I love my mother and she has done a lot for me. We used to be close but I have this feeling in my heart that I will be shopping for wedding dresses with the groom’s mom instead of mine. No, I’m not getting married, I’m just talking about the future. I realized tonight, though that I would not be losing all that much even if my whole family disowned me. My mother only wants me around when it’s convenient for her. My brother never cares if I’m home or not. Dad is probably the only person that doesn’t treat me like I’m invisible. I would simply be losing stressful times with mom. Dad already said that he wouldn’t do that to me anyway. I’m beginning to think this is having a more harsh effect on me than I thought. I cry easier than ever. I stay in my room at the apartment instead of trying to be around my roommates. I feel like an outsider here. My boyfriend feels like I’m miserable when he visits. I just can’t keep my mood up. I feel like I’m being pressured to do something that will make me unhappy. The program I want to go to is not acceptable for mom but neither is anything else I do. Even at the age of four, I was pressured to be the best in everything. I knew how to write my name before kindergarten. I knew my multiplication facts before first grade. I was writing stories in first grade. I graduated Valedictorian of my class. I got scholarships for college. I’ve been on the Dean’s List. I always came out on top. Despite all that, and my innate passion for everything I did, my mom always said my brother would be more successful than me. It hurt then but now I see it as irrational. Lil bro can’t commit to anything. If he doesn’t get what he wants out of it, he quits. Challenges motivate me, they don’t do anything for him. I want my brother to be happy and successful but I wish someone would acknowledge the things I do too. My grades were impeccable and I never got praised for it. As long as lil bro keeps As, Bs, and Cs they are as happy as can be. Oh well, that’s life. I apologize for the unhappy and sad tone I have going on in this post I’m just not happy. I would also appreciate it if anyone who reads this would keep my youngest cousin in their prayers. She is in the hospital overnight because she got busted in the eye with a softball. When she was taken to the eye doctor (after the ER) she had a seizure. I think she is okay now but you never know. Well, goodnight and I hope I will have a happier note tomorrow. I’m off to blog hop and then sleep