Why is it that just when everything starts to look up, it all falls apart? Why can’t it be like it is in the movies where the main character has a hard time but eventually gets through it and lives happily ever after like Cinderella? My new job at the daycare is sooo great. The kids are so cute and sweet. Yes, they are a handful but they are supposed to be handfuls when they’re two aren’t they? I just found a great degree program and everything seemed to be going right…until today. I got sick yesterday and my boyfriend and I got into a major fight today and I think we may break up. I’m crying really hard right now, with my head pounding, and my nose stopped up so much that I have to breath through my mouth. When do I get the happily ever after?
This is awful

I FOUND IT! I FOUND IT! I have been stressing and near tears lately trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and I have finally found what my calling is. I am going to abandon both of the fields I had previously been considering. I want to be a Rehabilitation Counselor. I think that this suits me better the other two options. I would be working with people with disabilities, mental problems, and addictions. It would be different almost every day and I could actually make a difference. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to work only with kids but this sounds better to me than working only in a school setting and I think I would be good at it. I know that it’s a totally different direction and I am really scared of telling my mother about it ( childish, I know) but I think this is what I am supposed to do. I have helped one guy that I know overcome an addiction and I think I could do it for a living. The guy I helped graduated high school and is attending college now. I think I might have a talent for it and that makes me happy!

Crazy is watching Family Guy when you should be studying. It’s okay, though, because I am eating dinner. That was rationalizing.

Crazy is blaming your daughter for not getting a form when the reason you didn’t get the form is because you didn’t fill out the request completely. That one was my mom’s mistake!

Crazy is what I am going to be after this semester. I have two classes in which everything is due on the same days. They are back to back classes. I have research to do. A thesis to write. And a life to live…meaning work…

Crazy is not knowing what program I want to go into or what school is best for me. I just can’t get everything done alone!!!!

Crazy is, well, me….I am almost freaking out. I’m not quite there but getting close. There is so much fr me to do and I’m not sure of how to get it all done. Everything is coming down on me right now. I’m bad enough at making decisions, how am I supposed to make the decisions that will change my entire life? I want to do so much but I am at the important crossroad and don’t know which way to turn. I’m feeling lost and slightly abandoned, especially by my mom. She only calls me now if she wants something. I still haven’t decided how to cut my hair but I am positive that I want to do it. I want to donate it to Locks of Love.  Okay I am now going to study, eat some chocolate, and hope my low grade temperature goes away and doesn’t get worse. Have a great one everybody!

I got to thinking today. What is with people being so attached, obsessed even with their hair? If you cut it, it grows back, if you get bad highlights or a bad dye job, it will eventually go back to the natural way. It’s not something severe. So you mad a bad hair decision….who cares? It will grow back. The reason I am thinking about this is because I am thinking about cutting mine. Let me explain. I have long, thick hair that everyone seems to think is “really pretty” including my mother (she doesn’t really count that much though because our hair is practically the same lol)  I have never had short hair. Not since kindergarten anyway. I’m feeling adventurous and I want to try something new. I have a wonderful stylist that I can depend on to do any style I need her to and she doesn’t charge me all that much either. (It’s my brother’s girlfriend’s mom…how cool is that!?!) I have enough hair to donate it to locks of love, which is exactly what I want to do. A friend of mine gave me the idea. Anyway, every person I tell has a different reaction. My boyfriend thinks that I should do it if I want to. He looks at it the same way I do. My brother’s girlfriend thinks the same and that it would look good. Two of my other friends immediately said (and I quote) “Oh no! Don’t do it, your hair is so pretty!” Now why is it that my hair can’t be just as pretty short? If I cut it, it will let some child have my pretty hair too and it will be more manageable for the hectic semester that has just begun. Is that the wrong way to think? I mean I know that my mom will FLIP out when she finds out but she will get over it…it’s MY hair after all. Dad will quietly support it no matter what. I just don’t get people’s reactions to something as small as hair. I’m sure it will be hard for me to cut it but I will grow to like the new style. I’m also trying my hardest to get organized and do everything in the most efficient way. Its going to be crazy for the next couple of months. I’m going to need some prayers to be able to maintain my sanity. On a funnier note, I saw my fish, Penny, jump in the air tonight. It even made me forget my stomach problems. She was so funny! Have a good one everyone!!

I have never been really good at expressing my feelings. I didn’t really fit with the people in my high school or my extended family so I quickly learned to keep things hidden. Showing how things affected you made you automatically vulnerable. It’s a hard habit to break. The only time I can feel comfortable with showing how I feel is when I’m being yelled at. I either yell back or ( more likely) start crying. It bothers my boyfriend that I can’t just completely divulge the inner workings of my mind at all times. It would be much easier for me if I could simply write it all out instead of talking but we are too far away to do that. It takes a day for a letter to reach him lol. Anyway…tonight he told me that his ex was asking around about him and stuff. He said he wasn’t going to give her his number or talk to her so I didn’t see a reason for me to react in the jealous way. I was a little worried and, yes, maybe a little jealous. I try to be fair and logical though. I talked to my ex not too long ago because he was brought into this family drama  and I needed to figure out what he knew. I feel nothing for my ex. I’m happy that he is FINALLY getting it together after so many years but I don’t want to be part of his world. He’s the past and I am very much in love with my boyfriend. That was another reason why I didn’t say anything. However, my boyfriend assumed I was upset and we ended up in a fight. My jealousy did come out. I just don’t really know how to do this stuff. Relationships are not my forte. I have been casually dating ever since my senior year of high school. How much emotion is enough and when does it get to being too much? Why does it seem like there is no happy medium? Holding it in is what I am used to, why is that so bad? I hate jealousy anyway. It serves no real purpose except to make up reasons to fight with each other, say hurtful things, and ruin the night. It did all of that tonight. I know we will come through it but I just don’t get how to deal with this stuff. He wanted me to react when I wasn’t reacting but he certainly didn’t like it when I did react.

Okay so I think 2008 is going to be great! I had a wonderful weekend. Mom and I only really fought one time. She spent the night with me in the apartment Saturday and went home on Sunday. My boyfriend joined me for a while too. We toasted in the New Year and spent our six month anniversary together. I did take care of him while he was sick too. I am looking at a big change in my life and it’s both scary and exciting. I am excited and afraid of graduate school. What if I don’t get in or what if I choose the wrong program? Of course, I’m also looking forward to being out on my own. I want my own place and a good job that will help me to pay my own way for a change. I also got a new fish. My great boyfriend bought me a crowntail betta fish that is gorgeous. His name is Hamlet. I might post a picture of him later. That’s all for tonight….I’m really tired. Happy New Year everyone!!!

I decided to look around at apartments online today. mostly one bedroom, one bath apartments. I looked in the town I am currently in and the one that is about 30 minutes away from my parents house. I am trying to decide between graduate schools in both towns so I thought I would look around and see what was out there. My mother talks like she expects me to live at home again this summer and to live at home if I go to ASU. That simply can’t happen. It’s hard enough for me being at home for about four days. We fight and, more than that, I don’t have a room. My mom has pretty much converted my room into her room. Her fax, laptop, little refrigerator, clothes, dressing table, make up, etc are all in my room and she sleeps there. I have to sometimes sleep in the same bed as her if she decides not to sleep in the room that has always been hers and dads. I have nowhere to put a desk, I would have a curfew, and we don’t even have good internet. We have dial-up and it usually belongs to her or my brother so I really can’t imagine how she expects me to live there and go to school. It just isn’t possible for soooo many reasons. Anyway, I got kind of depressed. I’m not sure I will ever be able to afford a place of my own and I really want to be able to do that. I want to have a place to go right after I graduate in May so that I don’t have to deal with her trying to convince me to stay. I’m not sure what I should do about everything. I want to try to get grants and things to help me pay for my grad school. However, my parents still claim me as a dependent and won’t let go of that so I can try it out on my own. They make too much money between them for me to get any assistance other than loans. I, on the other hand, could get assistance. I make very little to be quite honest. I just can’t get it the way I need to. I’m sick of having the financial help held over my head and being told that I couldn’t do it without them. I don’t get credit for busting my butt on the finals, papers, and other crap that I go through. I appreciate all that my parents do for me, it would just be nice to get some recognition.

In other news, one of my fish died. Penny jumped out of the bowl and I found her one the bar at my parents house, still alive. She was missing an eye though. Lucy apparently attacked her. Well, Lucy died when I got her back to my place and Penny is still alive and kicking with one eye.

Okay so its almost Christmas and I am super excited about that. However I have a few rants. Just so everyone that decides to read this knows ahead of time….This may be offensive to some people but I assure you I am NOT being racist.

The other night at work one of my fellow carhops, a white girl, called one of our cooks a boy. Apparently “boy” has now become a new peeve of the black community because we were all informed by our manager, who is a black girl, that you should never call a black guy a boy because it is one name the slaveholders called their slaves. Of course this led into an argument about slavery. It really bugs me when that kind of stuff happens. I hear black guys call each other boys all the time but the moment a white person uses that word it becomes a negative thing. A racist thing. This is why every white person is perceived as being racist. We can’t help it, the rules are always changing it seems. The thing is, the people that talk about this stuff are not touched at all by slavery. It doesn’t g on now and the closest they have been to it is having to have a job. It bugs me. You can’t use what happened in the past to defend what you lack in the present. If you sell drugs it is that you have to do it because your ancestors were slaves, it is because that is what you chose. If you can’t keep a girlfriend it’s not because your ancestors were slaves it is because you haven’t found the right person. We all get it. There was an injustice in the past but there always has been. Jews were persecuted for much longer than black people. The Native Americans were treated just as bad, if not worse than blacks. It just really gets to me. There is a great chance that all of us have an ancestor somewhere that was persecuted for something at some point so I would love it if people would stop making excuses and start trying to make something out of their lives. If people would lose the grudges they hold for things that didn’t even affect them, we could have a much better society. It’s not like black people don’t have rights now. They can enter Miss America AND they have a Miss BLACK America too. They can go to our colleges AND have ALL BLACK colleges. There are more scholarships for African Americans than there are for white people. So there is no way I can be convinced that they are mistreated. I have discussed this with my friend, who does happen to be black. I love him to death but he pulled that race card on me a couple times and it ticked me off. He is from a wealthy family. Their house is so big that you couldn’t see the whole thing in the pic he had on his myspace. He goes to college with no scholarships, out of state, and he doesn’t have to focus on his education…his parents will pay for him to be here as long as it takes to get him a degree. Meanwhile, I was Valedictorian of my high school class, I have studied my brains out all the years I have been in school, still lost the scholarship that didn’t even pay for all of my school. I have loans like crazy and will probably have to take more out when I start grad school and that is if I can get in. He knows nothing about hard work and yet he pulls the race card because I told him to stop screaming out “Will you marry me?” in the middle of the packed cafeteria, while on his knees. He was kidding but I didn’t find it funny. Afterwards he asked me to warm up his cake for him in the microwave he was closer too than I was. I could probably go on forever. Anything that people use as an excuse for laziness gets on my nerves and that is not limited to the race card.

Okay no that I have that out of my system…I clean Penny and Lucy’s bowl today but I think I lost some of the rocks down the disposal…not good. Apparently, the mom situation has gotten worse instead of better. My ex boyfriend who doesn’t even live in this state was brought into this situation because “someone” offered to pay him to beat my bf up….betcha can’t guess who. Looks like its about the time for a heart to heart with mother…I’m sure she;ll explode about my hair first…I put highlights in and I’m not sure how I feel about them.

My roommate officially moved out, finals are over, and I have two new friends in my room. I rearranged the room all by myself and it looks pretty good in my opinion. It was one of those small victories that everyone has in their lives at some time. I could have easily had friends, mom, or my boyfriend help me but I managed to do it all myself. Finals went alright I think. I’m praying for a B in my spanish class. If I get it I have a shot at the Dean’s list again. That would be very nice. If anyone wondered why it has taken me so long to post again it is because I had the finals and a six page spanish research paper due on the day of our final. (Which I managed to finish at three in the morning on the day of the final.)

Okay so I have some friends to introduce you all to. I bought two female betta fish on friday and they are my favorite roommates lol.

 

I think those are all of the same one. She is blue and her name is penelope but we call are Penny ( We being my boyfriend and I, he named her.) The other one is purple and I named her Lucy. I love Lucille Ball as an actress so that’s why I named her that. They are so funny to watch. Penny is a bully. She always chases Lucy around the bowl. Good-naturedly of course. They seem as happy to be in my room as I am to have them. Kyle bought them a floating lily pad and a tree for their bowl. Sweet huh?

So that is the basic update. I am supposed to get my grades either tomorrow or Wednesday and that means that you will have the chance to read how happy I am or how depressed.

Here’s the question I pose to the people that actually read this thing: Are mothers always right or can the guy the mother doesn’t like actually be the right guy for the daughter?

One more final to go and the semester will be over for me. I can’t believe it went by so fast. I am going to miss my writing class. I’m not ready to graduate, yet I am ready at the same time. I want it to work out to where I don’t have to have the help of my parents financially anymore. My brother will be going to college next year while I am in grad school (if I get in). I am ready to be an adult and take care of myself but I am not sure how to take the first step in that direction. I’m on my mom’s cell phone plan, she has access to all my accounts, and she has all my bills sent to her to be taken care of. This is a point in my life where I am scared but excited too. I want to take the step but how do I do it? I feel bad because I almost dread going home for Christmas and even for the weekends that I visit. Things with my mom are stressed and I don’t want to fight with her. I also want my boyfriend to be welcome in the house and I want to be able to talk to him or about him with no one getting angry at me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine my wedding without my mom there. Mom and the rest of my family of course. She says she probably wouldn’t come if I married my boyfriend. (We haven’t talked about marriage but that’s what she said and it still hurts).